So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
