I am spending my child support on dildos
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Help me help you realize you are a moron
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
