this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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