i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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