Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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