I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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