I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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