it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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