i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
