Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
