The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
there is glitter all over my balls
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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