is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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