Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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