you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
