So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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