ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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