I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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