Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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