from now on my penis is your penis
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
