I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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