Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize