He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
