connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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