the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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