Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They took my balls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
