If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
