You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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