She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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