and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
4 words: hood of his car
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
