The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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