I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
