I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
