the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
