broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
