The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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