you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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