Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
