I faked an abortion last night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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