Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
