i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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