The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize