Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i would punch a child for taco bell
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
