I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
