You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
