White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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