i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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