I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
