We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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