Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
