when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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