i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
