my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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