Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
