You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
