I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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