I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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