the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
