After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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